Troll Army
by IgirisuK
Summary: Izaya, Karkat, and Prussia are three of the most gifted trolls in history. What happens when they team up? A collaboration with my friend MysticJadeShoe. Enjoy.
1. Act 1

_Hi. So. A/N. Right. I've never been good at these.  
This was a chat I started with my friend, Mystic Jade Shoe. It sort of... got out of hand.  
In this episode of Troll Army: The origin of My Immortal revealed! _**  
**

**Kanra**: *in a chat room* So. My Troll Army is assembled.

...All three of us.

**carcinoGeneticist**: LIKE HELL WE ARE. SO. WHAT KIND OF HAVOC ARE WE WREAKING TODAY, BRAIN?

**Kanra**: I had... an idea. (^.^)

**awesomeWurst**: kesese~ what kind of idea?

**Kanra**: You know all those annoying Harry Potter fans?

**carcinoGeneticist**: I WENT AFTER ONE OF THOSE THE OTHER DAY. IT WAS REFRESHING.

**Kanra**: I was thinking we could go after ALL OF THEM AT ONCE. (*^.^*)

**awesomeWurst**: i have nothing better to do so go for it.

**Kanra**: I was thinking... we write a fanfic. A fanfic that's so bad, that it will melt the brains of every Harry Potter fan that reads it. FOREVER.

**awesomeWurst**: oooooh, i think we can do that

**carcinoGeneticist**: I WAS THINKING SOMETHING MORE LIKE GENOCIDE BUT THAT WORKS TOO.

**Kanra**: ...cG, you scare me sometimes.

**carcinoGeneticist**: WHY THANK YOU.

**Kanra**: I'm beginning to wonder if you're an ACTUAL troll.

**awesomeWurst**: was that even a question to begin with?

**Kanra**: ...I bet you live under a bridge somewhere, cG.  
And aW... you're weird.

But let's stop insulting each other and get down to business.

**carcinoGeneticist**: WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW.

**carcinoGeneticist**: AND I AGREE. THERE ARE MILLIONS TO BE TROLLED AND HERE WE ARE WASTING TIME.

**Kanra** : ... So we write a fanfic that mocks gothic people, Harry Potter fans, and tortures grammar nazis.

**Kanra**: Now. We need a main character...

**awesomeWurst**: someone horribly stunningly sexy.

**Kanra**: Oh, yes. *grins*

...An emo girl.

With a name like... Darkness.

**CG**: GO WITH EBONY.

**Kanra**: But I like Dark'ness... Whoops, typo.

...Ebony Dark'ness?

**awesomeWurst**: way. like gerard

**Kanra**: Ebony Dark'ness Way... I think we may be onto something here, guys.

(^o^)

**carcinoGeneticist**: BUT IF YOU WANT TO MAKE IT WORSE GIVE HER SIX OR SO MIDDLE NAMES.

**Kanra**: All right! They need to be f*cking stupid names, too...

Like Crimson or something.

**awesomeWurst**: was just googling some sue stories, and an overused one is raven

**Kanra**: Ebony Dark'ness Raven Way... Hmmm...

**carcinoGeneticist**: IT'S MISSING SOME FLAIR. SHE NEEDS ONE MORE NAME.

**Kanra**: You got any ideas, cG?

Demonia or something?

**carcinoGeneticist**: SOMETHING THAT EVOKES A PATHETIC SENSE OF DARK AND MISERY.

OR NEEDINESS.

**Kanra**: Lol, needy goff girls...

Crazy needy goff girls.

**carcinoGeneticist**: JUST ASKED ONE OF MY COHORTS FOR IDEAS.

SHE SAID DEMENTIA.

**Kanra**: Pffffft, Dementia?

Won't that seem like we're trying too hard?

(^_^;)

**awesomeWurst**: nah, cg has a point

we're supposed to look like we're trying too hard, ja?

**Kanra**: ...True, true...

Ebony Dark'ness Raven Dementia Way?

**awesomeWurst**: sounds perfect.

**awesomeWurst**: seriously, just said it out loud and got the craziest look

**Kanra**: Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Muahaha...


	2. Act 2

_A/N: Fudge, another chapter already? Right._

_So. MJS and I continuing with the trolling. :3_

_In this eppy: Enter France, much discussion of fishnets, and Kanra's Gender Revealed._

**Kanra**: Hello, my minions!

** carcinoGeneticist**: TOP OF THE F*CKING MORNING TO YOU KANRA.

**Kanra**: *laughs* You keep using that word, cG. I do not think it means what you think it means.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I THINK I KNOW VERY WELL WHAT IT D*MN MEANS THANK YOU.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I USE IT ENOUGH.

**awesomeWurst**: do you two have anything better to do than get your panties in a knot, seriously?

**Kanra**: Of course, my DEAR German.

**awesomeWurst**: so you admit to being a girl?

**Kanra**: ... I have a girl's name.

**awesomeWurst**: i have yet to meet a man who wears panties

**awesomeWurst**: well except one

**awesomeWurst**: but he's just weird

**carcinoGeneticist**: WHILE WE'RE ON T HE TOPIC OF WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR CAN WE GET BACK TO THE STORY?

**Kanra**: Speaking of that. aW.

**Kanra**: You know a French guy, right?

**Kanra**: Is he manly, or is he really French?

**awesomeWurst**: he's really French.

**Kanra**: Excellent.

**awesomeWurst**: why?

**Kanra**: I wear the same thing every day. I can't write clothing descriptions.

**Kanra**: Neither of you can write purple enough.

**carcinoGeneticist**: YOU DON'T HAVE A WARDROBE?

**Kanra**: I have one.

**Kanra**: It's just all the same.

**Kanra**: T-shirt, jeans, coat, boots...

**awesomeWurst**: i envy you but that's not the point here

**Kanra**: Point is, we need someone who can write nauseating, rambling, pointless descriptions of clothing.

**awesomeWurst**: i got him here, wanna talk to him?

**awesomeWurst**: alright he's logging on

**Kanra**: Winning.

**awesomeWurst**: yo, Francis. the Awesome Me needs some help

_ -sexyetJelesais entered the chatroom -_

**sexyetJelesais**: Bonjour! What can I help you with today~?

**awesomeWurst**: we're writing something.

**Kanra**: Get on with it...

**awesomeWurst**: we need you to write rambling descriptions of unawesome goff clothes.

**sexyetJelesais**: ...mon oiseau, you wound me.

**sexyetJelesais**: My talent reaches far beyond the furthest reachest of the skies... and this is what you ask of me?

**sexyetJelesais**: Where do I start?

**Kanra**: THANK you, Furansu-san.

**awesomeWurst**: ...Just... long, rambling descriptions. Clothes porn. You know.

**sexyetJelesais**: Hm. The first thing to start with in gothic clothing would be a corset.

**Kanra**: Fishnets. Lots of fishnets.

**carcinoGeneticist**: KEEPING IN MIND THE MAIN PURPOSE IS TO MAKE HER LOOK LIKE A HOOKER, WE NEED LEATHER.

**awesomeWurst**: Kesesesesesesese! Nice one, cG.

**carcinoGeneticist**: IT'S JUST MY GOD-GIVEN DUTY TO THE TROLLDOM.

**carcinoGeneticist**: SH*T DOESN'T GET DONE WITHOUT ME.

**Kanra**: ...Riiiiight. (.)

**awesomeWurst**: i think Francey-pants has got this. ja?

**sexyetJelesais** : Oui.

**sexyetJelesais** : We also need boots...

**sexyetJelesais** : Knee-high or thigh-high. I reccomend knee-high so you can see more of the fishnets.

**Kanra**: Vivid descriptions of her hair, too. I recommend stupid dye streaks.

**awesomeWurst**: and she should look like that evanescence chick for no good reason.

**sexyetJelesais** : Amy Lee?

**awesomeWurst**: ja, her

**carcinoGeneticist**: THOUGHT. SHE NEEDS TO SLIT HER WRISTS OR TRY TO KILL HERSELF SO EVERYONE KNOWS HOW F*CKING HORRIBLE HER LIFE IS.

**carcinoGeneticist**: LIKE A GIANT, DEPRESSING HOLE OF BEING IRRESISTABLY SEXY ALL THE TIME.

**sexyetJelesais** : The pain...

**Kanra**: More than once. :D

**awesomeWurst**: and her boyfriend should do it too.

**awesomeWurst**: who is her boyfriend, anyway?

**sexyetJelesais** : Well, from what AW has told me this is a Harry Potter story?

**sexyetJelesais** : Go with Harry Potter then. He is the obvious choice, non?

**awesomeWurst**: but he's boring and not goffik enough. xD

**awesomeWurst**: thats what the fangirls say.

**Kanra**: ...I don't know Harry Potter that well... Any other ideas?

**carcinoGeneticist**: THE TRAGIC CUTIE PLAYBOY.

**carcinoGeneticist:** WHAT'S HIS NAME AGAIN?

**awesomeWurst**: malfoy

**carcinoGeneticist:** HIS DAD'S ALL RICH OR WHATEVER AND SERVE THE DARK LORD VLOXEMORT.

**carcinoGeneticist**: THAT ONE.

**awesomeWurst**: und its VOLDEMORT.

**Kanra**: No, the more misspellings, the better. Amirite? (*_*)

**sexyetJelesais** : An excellent point~

**aW**: we should probably give everyone a stupid extra name or something .

**Kanra**: And leave out all the characters no one likes, like that ginger dude.

**carcinoGeneticist**: START WITH THE LOVE INTEREST AND MATCH HIM PERFECTLY TO THE INTERESTS OF THE D*MN-NEAR-PERFECT CHARACTER.

**awesomeWurst**: if were going with Draco for that he's perfect already. tortured, angsty, looks good in black.

**awesomeWurst: **also, everyone needs to be bi for no good reason. cause I said so.

**sexyetJelesais**: But he's blonde. That does something to the prep factor, non? And his eyes are blue.

**sexyetJelesais**: And honhon, I quite agree~

**Kanra**: Hmm... make his eyes red, then. ...And dye his hair or something, I don't know. The preps should be the BAD GUYZ, though.

**Kanra**: Also. Karkat needs to write all her dialogue.

**carcinoGeneticist**: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

**awesomeWurst**: a sue talking like Karkat? kesesesesesesesesese~

**sexyetJelesais**: It sounds glorious.~ sexyetJelesais : I would stay longer, but I have things to do, so I must leave, mes amis~

**awesomeWurst**: boo, okay. see you tonight, then? trio stuff?

**sexyetJelesais**: Honhon, oui~!

_- sexyetJelesais left the chatroom-_

** awesomeWurst**: kesesesesesesese!

**Kanra**: Okay. Now. Who's Vloxemort?

**awesomeWurst**: VOLDEMORT.

**carcinoGeneticist**: THE MAIN ANTAGONIST.

**awesomeWurst**: he's pure evil. likes snakes.

**Kanra**: Is there an Aged Mentor of some sort in the story?

**carcinoGeneticist**: DUMBLYDORE OR WHATEVER.

**awesomeWurst:** i vote cG is in charge of all the misspellings, too. jus' sayin'.

**Kanra**: Yes. I can't remember any of their names CORRECTLY spelled, anyway.

**carcinoGeneticist**: THAT'S HOW I REMEMBER THEM.

**carcinoGeneticist**: THEN AGAIN GAMZEE TOLD ME THIS STORY SO IT MIGHT NOT BE TOO RELIABLE.

**Kanra**: Well, I've NEVER read this story. :P Seemed a little pointless.

**carcinoGeneticist**: ...I CAN'T ACTUALLY TELL WHAT THE PLOT IS.

**carcinoGeneticist:** BUT ANYWAY.

**Kanra**: Have ANY of us actually read the books? (^_^;)

**awesomeWurst**: i saw the movies once.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I DON'T THINK WE ACTUALLY NEED TO KNOW THE PLOT TO WRITE A BAD FIC.

**awesomeWurst**: itd be better if it had no plot at all jyst people crying and cutting themselves. XD\

**carcinoGeneticist**: ISN'T THAT A SUEFIC?

**Kanra**: And time travel.

**carcinoGeneticist**: IF WE'RE GONNA HAVE TIME TRAVEL...

**awesomeWurst**: what's your evil idea, master of disaster?

**carcinoGeneticist**: HM. DID THEY HAVE ACTUAL TIME TRAVEL?

**carcinoGeneticist**: GAMZEE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT MAGIC NECKLACES OR SOME SH*T.

**awesomeWurst**: timeturners or something. yeah.

**carcinoGeneticist**: ...SCREW IT. WE'RE USING BACK TO THE FUTURE.

**carcinoGeneticist**: MARTY MCFLY IS HELPING.

**carcinoGeneticist:** I DUNNO HOW.

**carcinoGeneticist**: CROSSOVERS OR SOMETHING.

**aW**: kesesesesesesesesese!

**Kanra**: I don't think I've ever seen that one, either. Isn't that the one with-?

**aW**: with the time-traveling deLorean. Yeah.

**carcinoGeneticist**: HUMAN MOVIES MAKE NO SENSE.

**Kanra**: So, basically, as divorced from Harry Potter as you can get?

**awesomeWurst**: pretty much."

**awesomeWurst**: we should have them redeem voldy.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I WANT THIS GUY WEARING HEELS.

**Kanra**: Karkat IS the best troll out of us. ...As well as the one with the most distorted knowledge of Harry Potter in the UNIVERSE. (^_^)

**carcinoGeneticist**: I WILL TAKE THAT AS A COMPLIMENT.

**aW**: its totally a compliment, cG

**carcinoGeneticist**: LIKE I SAID, SH*T DOESN'T GET *DONE* UNLESS I'M HERE.

**Kanra**: ...Right, and you would have come up with this on your own. (-_-)

**carcinoGeneticist**: ANYWAY, WHAT CLASSES DO THEY TAKE AT THIS MAGIC SCHOOL?

**carcinoGeneticist**: PIGFARTS OR WHATEVER.

**aW**: in badfics no one goes to class anyway.

**carcinoGeneticist**: BUT SHE'S A **SUE.**

**carcinoGeneticist:** HAS THE BEST F*CKING GRADES OUT OF THE ENTIRE G*DD*MN CLASS.

**Kanra**: Hate to interrupt this... scintillating debate, but...  
I had another idea. Just now.

carcinoGeneticist

: SHOOT, KANRA.

**Kanra**: We need to find a Suethor that would be willing to take credit for this lovely steaming pile of excrement, until it's too late. I think I've found one. She goes by XXXbloodyrists666XXX.

**aW**: oh gott. your joking, right?

**carcinoGeneticist**: I'M SURE SHE'D BE HONORED.

**Kanra**: At the risk of sounding like Karkat... (_)  
**  
aW**: oh gott... XD

**carcinoGeneticist**: I AM **WAITING.**

**Kanra:**We're going to screw this chick over, in more ways than one.

...She even ends up with a little mind-baby b*stard she can keep when we're done with her.

**aW**: kesesesesesesesese~

**carcinoGeneticist**: I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.

**aW**: that makes me wonder, IS kanra a madchen or a kerl... kesesese...

**carcinoGeneticist**: ...GIRL.

**Kanra**: We're getting off-topic again...

**aW**: just wondering. it WOULD be nice to have the female perspective... ;)

**carcinoGeneticist**: A BI GIRL.

**Kanra**: W-what? No! Really, I'm not-

**aW**: were waaaaaaiting...

**carcinoGeneticist**: THE ANTICIPATION IS SO THICK IT WOULD TAKCE A G*DD*MN SCYTHE TO CUT IT.

**Kanra:**You're like a bunch of three-year-olds. CURSING, hard-drinking three-year-olds.

**aW**: ja, thats **us.**

**Kanra:**... ...

**Kanra**: ...I'm not a girl. Okay. There. You happy?

**carcinoGeneticist**: QUIT JOKING US KANRA.

**Kanra**: No lie. I'm a man.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT AND I NEVER WILL.

**carcinoGeneticist**: YOU ARE EITHER A WOMAN OR A MAN WITH ISSUES.

**awesomewurst**: pics or it didn't happen.

**Kanra**: not sending you pictures of my d*ck. _

**carcinoGeneticist**: MAN WITH ISSUES.

**awesomeWurst**: kesesesesesese...

**Kanra**: ...Well. Anyway.

**Kanra**: L-let's get to it, then.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I'LL LEAVE THE EXECUTION TO YOU TWO.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I'LL BE THE BRAINS OF THIS AWKWARD, SIX-LEGGED TROLLING CLOWN CAR.  
**  
Kanra**: Any sentence that has 'Karkat-san' and 'brains' in it had better also have the word 'eat'.  
**  
Kanra**: As in, Karkat-san will eat your brains.  
**  
carcinoGeneticist**: THEN THE TROLLCAR IS EATING A HOT FUDGE SUNDAE.  
**  
carcinoGeneticist**: LET'S CUT TO THE CHASE NOW.  
**  
Kanra**: ... Well. All right. Watch This Space For Further Developments, then.  
**  
carcinoGeneticist**: I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO.


	3. Act 3

**A/N: **_Disclaimer: I don't own Izaya, Prussia, Karkat, Durarara!, Hetalia: Axis Powers, or Homestuck. I also do not own My Immortal, that belongs to Tara Gillespie, who can KEEP the bloody thing._

**In this installment:** _Kanra's gender revealed, _**  
**

**carcinoGeneticist**: WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE.  
**  
carcinoGeneticist**: OHHH IT'S KANRA STILL DENYING HER GENDER.  
**  
carcinoGeneticist**: DOESN;T CHANGE FROM DAY-TO-DAY.  
**  
Kanra**: ...Actually, mates...  
**  
carcinoGeneticist**: OF COURSE. THE PERFECT ALIBI.  
**  
carcinoGeneticist**: MATES.  
**  
Kanra**: Where's Wurutsu-san?  
**  
carcinoGeneticist**: WENT MIA. SAID SOMETHING ABOUT HIS 'stupid bruder and the d*mn pan-wielding tranny' SO IT MUST BE PRETTY IMPORTANT.  
**  
Kanra**: F*ck. You'll have to tell him for me, then.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I CAN DO THAT. GIVE ME MY MESSAGE.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I SWEAR I WILL GOO JUST LIKE A PIDGEON. BUT I REFUSE TO SH*T ON THE WINDOWSILL.

**Kanra**: I am bowing out of this mission. Conflict of interest.

**carcinoGeneticist**: PITY.

**carcinoGeneticist**: WE NEVER EVEN SETTLED WHO EBONY WILL END UP WITH, OR WHAT GENDER YOU REALLY ARE.

**Kanra**: I'm a man.

**Kanra**: ...And as it turns out... the person I have a crush on actually enjoys Harry Potter.

**carcinoGeneticist**: YOUR BLATANT LYING HAS BEEN NOTED.

**carcinoGeneticist**: OHHH. THAT COULD BE A PROBLEM.

**carcinoGeneticist**: SHE'S THE NERDY TYPE, HUH.

**Kanra**: This person can throw a vending machine at my head.

**Kanra**: Hardly a nerd.

**carcinoGeneticist**: SHE'S ONE F*CKING FEISTY NERD.

**Kanra**: Shizu-chan is like that, yes. For the record, I'm not a lesbian.

**carcinoGeneticist**: SO YOU CONFESS TO BEING A GIRL.

**Kanra**: ...You're trying to troll me. Nicely done.

**Kanra**: I'm not taking the bait.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I AM JUST STATING THE OBVIOUS, MISS KANRA.

**Kanra**: ...Shizuo is a man. *grins* As am I.

**Kanra**: Does it really matter? We're all trolls here.

**carcinoGeneticist**: TRUE.

**carcinoGeneticist**: AND I HAVE WEIRD FRIENDS SO IT'S NOTHING NEW.

**Kanra**: So, yes.

**carcinoGeneticist**: BUT. I STILL THINK YOU'RE A GIRL.

**Kanra**: Why would you say that?

**carcinoGeneticist**: YOU'RE JUST TOO...

**carcinoGeneticist**: ...YOU'RE REALLY F*CKING EFFEMINATE ONLINE.

**carcinoGeneticist**: AND I SUSPECT YOU'RE THE SAME IN REAL LIFE.

**Kanra**: ... Not sure whether trolling, or really that stupid.

**Kanra**: Wait, you're you, never mind.

**carcinoGeneticist**: NO ONE CAN TELL WITH ME.

**Kanra **: Trolling.

**carcinoGeneticist**: JUST GO WITH IT.

**Kanra**: Fine. -_-

- gallowsCallibrator entered the room -

**carcinoGeneticist**: I INVITED A FRIEND. HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.

**Kanra**: ... The last time you invited a 'friend', we wound up trying to hack Anonymous while we were punch-drunk at three A.M.

**Kanra **: Or was it the Pentagon?

**gallowsCalibrator**: H3H3H3H3H3

**gallowsCalibrator**: WHY W4A 1 NOT PR3S3NT FOR TH1S ONE? 1T SOUNDS F41RLY 1NT3R3ST1NG.

**gallowsCalibrator**: *W4S

**Kanra**: Oh my lord. My eyes. What have you DONE. THEY BLEEEEEEEED.

**Kanra**: Leet is so 1997, gallowsbird.

**gallowsCalibrator**: 1 S33 YOU H4V3 4 PROBL3M W1TH MY SP3LL1NG? DON'T G3T M4D, SH33SH

**gallowsCalibrator**: 1'M BL1ND YOU 1D1OT

**Kanra**: ...Oh. I'm sorry.

**Kanra **: I should have known.

**carcinoGeneticist**: YOUR BLATANT SARCASM HAS BEEN NOTED.

**carcinoGeneticist**: PROCEED, GC

**Kanra**: You type like you're blind, have a head injury, and have only one finger.

**gallowsCalibrator**: WOW TH4T W4S 4LMOST 4CCUR4T3!

**Kanra **: That must have been one *nasty* accident. My *deepest* condolences.

**gallowsCalibrator**: 1T W4S, TH4NK YOU V3RY MUCH

**Kanra**: /sarc

**gallowsCalibrator**: 1 KNOW D*MB4SS, 1 C4N SM3LL YOUR T3XT

**Kanra**: ...Moving on to things people actually CARE about.

**gallowsCalibrator**: :]

**carcinoGeneticist**: WHERE WERE WE WITH THE TROLLFIC AGAIN?

**Kanra**: That's the point, I've got to bow out of this one.

**carcinoGeneticist**: BECAUSE OF YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

**Kanra**: Shizu told me to read them... and I started... actually liking them.

**carcinoGeneticist**: OH FOR F*CK'S SAKE.

**carcinoGeneticist**: YOU CAN STILL TROLLFIC AND LIKE SOMETHING.

**carcinoGeneticist**: WON'T THAT ACTUALLY IMPROVE IT IN THE END?

**Kanra**: ...Heh. And it will BOTHER HIM TO NO END.

**gallowsCalibrator**: 1F 1T BUGS H1M TH3N MORE POW3R TO YOU.

**Kanra**: I was going to say something about how leet is tacky, but there's really no point and carcino will just break out the gay jokes.

**carcinoGeneticist**: GLAD TO SEE YOU KNOW ME SO WELL ALREADY KANRA.

**Kanra**: You're not very complicated, you monster. xD

**gallowsCalibrator**: H3H3H3H3

**gallowsCalibrator**: ONE WOULD C3RT41NLY L1K3 TO TH1NK SO

**gallowsCalibrator**: WH3N 1T COM3S TO CG

**gallowsCalibrator**: JUST K33P TH1NK1NG TH4T K4NR4

**gallowsCalibrator**: W3'LL S33 HOW 1T TURNS OUT :]

**Kanra**: K4nR4? Sounds like a bad J-Pop act.

**gallowsCalibrator**: 1T DO3S DO3SN'T 1T

**gallowsCalibrator**: M1GHT W4NN4 CONS1D3R CH4NG1NG YOUR H4NDL3

**gallowsCalibrator**: :]

**Kanra**: ...Just sounds bad w/ the numbers in.

**gallowsCalibrator**: WH4T3V3R TH3 H3LL 4 K4NR4 1S

- gallowsCallibrator left the chatroom -

**carcinoGeneticist**: GUESS SHE GOT BORED.

**Kanra**: ...Congratulations. She damaged my calm.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I'LL LET HER KNOW THAT.

**carcinoGeneticist**: SHE WILL NO DOUBT GIGGLE HER CALCIUM-BASED HEAD OFF.

**carcinoGeneticist**: OH WAIT.

**Kanra**: 1 sec...

**Kanra**: earthquake just came thru.

**carcinoGeneticist**: EARTHQUAKES ARE TIRING.

**carcinoGeneticist**: HOW BIG?

**Kanra**: not very. A for effort, F for results.

**carcinoGeneticist**: GLAD IT DIDN'T RUIN YOUR MAKEUP.

**Kanra **: ...I don't wear makeup. _

**carcinoGeneticist**: GIRLS WEAR MAKEUP UNLESS THEY'RE BLIND AND SPEAK L33TSP34K.

**Kanra**: Celty doesn't wear makeup. Oh. What now?

**Kanra**: Anyway. Let the itteh bitteh trolling committee get this sh*t rolling.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I QUITE AGREE.

**carcinoGeneticist**: TOO LONG HAS BEEN WASTED ON EXTREMELY NOT-NOTEWORTHY AND UNRECORDED OBSERVATIONS.

**carcinoGeneticist**: WON'T SHE NEED COHORTS?

**Kanra**: D*mn. I forgot. ...We should give her hideously twisted versions of Harry and Hermione.

**Kanra**: And some dumba** friend that has nothing to do with the story.

- awesomeWurst entered the chatroom -

**awesomeWurst**: adlglfhsdkhgl;dg

**Kanra**: Bad day, huh? That trannie giving you problems again?

**awesomeWurst**: alfjkhakjshf. fuuuu.

**Kanra**: Does she need a vending machine to the head?

**awesomeWurst**: that would be appreciated to no end

**Kanra**: I'll take a trip to Hungary next week, then. And drag Shizu-chan with me.

**awesomeWurst**: danke schon...

**Kanra**: Trolls have to look out for each other.

**Kanra **: Except Karkat. 'Cause it's funny.

**carcinoGeneticist**: DESPITE THAT LAST SENTENCE I HATE TO BREAK UP THE MOMENT.

**carcinoGeneticist**: WE STILL HAVE TO GET LOADS OF SH*T DONE BEFORE THIS STORY IS A GIFT TO THE TROLLWORLD.

**Kanra**: Here's what I've got so far...

**Kanra**: *snort*

**Kanra **: AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way)  
raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok!  
Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black  
hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that  
reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of  
people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get  
da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was  
because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are  
straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go  
to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh  
year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear  
mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For  
example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it  
and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I  
was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye  
shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so  
there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at  
me. I put up my middle finger at them.

**awesomeWurst**: oh?

**Kanra**: *cunningly inserted one of Francis' clothing descriptions in there*

**awesomeWurst**: pfffffft

**awesomeWurst**: i might have just barfed a little.

**Kanra**: I forced Erika to write parts of it.

**Kanra **: The textspeak parts.

**Kanra**: Bribed her with doushinji.

**Kanra**: What do you think? Is it sh*tty enough?

**carcinoGeneticist**: THAT SH*T IS GLORIOUS.

**Kanra**: *bows* Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

**awesomeWurst**: so now what needs to get done?

**Kanra**: Every other d*mn thing.

**awesomeWurst**: gott. making a troll fic is had work

**Kanra**: Cheer up, my friends. Listen to this: *posts a link to a song- Voltaire's 'When You're Evil'*

**Kanra**: The Anthem of our Villainy. xD

**carcinoGeneticist**: OH GOD I FORGOT HOW TERRIBLE YOUR HUMAN MUSIC IS.

**Kanra**: At least it's the proper link, I didn't rickroll you again. Or REBECCAROLL.

**awesomeWurst**: not that abomination of hearing.

**awesomeWurst**: i couldn't listen to it all the way through.

**Kanra**: Which seat should I take?

**awesomeWurst**: e.e

**awesomeWurst**: the one that is laying down. don't mind the huge sharp thing about to drop onto where your neck should be, it's not a guillotine

**Kanra**: No thanks, I choose life.

**awesomeWurst**: then quit singing the song, gottverdammt

**Kanra**: And I do it all for free~ Your tears are all the company I neeeeeeeeeeeed~

**awesomeWurst**: i get you're a troll and everything but gott that is so annoying.

**Kanra**: Trollihara strikes again. :D

**awesomeWurst**: yeah yeah

**Kanra**: Anyway. Enough with musical trolling.

**awesomeWurst**: one of these days we need to go after gleeks.

**Kanra**: That will be amusing, yes. *grins*

**Kanra**: Though I think we can agree on one thing.

**awesomeWurst**: that being?

**Kanra**: Durarara!, Homestuck, and Hetalia are off-limits. For the... obvious reasons.

**Kanra**: We had a Mary Sue in our town last week, it was awful.

**Kanra**: I think we can agree that we don't want ANYTHING Karkat wrote in our world. Yes?

**carcinoGeneticist**: OH LORD, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY WE GET. I AGREE.

- has entered the chatroom-

****: What's going on here? Prussia told me there was something Potter-related here?

**carcinoGeneticist**: AND YOU SO GRACIOUSLY JUMPING IN UNNANOUNCED WOULD BE?

****: Kirkland. Arthur Kirkland.

**Kanra**: Oh, no, not you again!

**carcinoGeneticist**: SOUNDS LIKE SOME KIND OF FOIL BRAND.

****: IT MEANS CHURCHLAND, WANKER.

**Kanra**: ... who has mod privs again? make him go away.

**carcinoGeneticist**: DOESN'T AW HAVE THEM?

**awesomeWurst**: nah, I'm pretty sure it's you

**Kanra**: ... did we SERIOUSLY set up another board where no one has mod privs?

****: ...It says on my screen 'moderator', if that helps.

**carcinoGeneticist**: ...F*CK.

****: ...What? What?

**Kanra**: I vote we take this somewhere else.

**carcinoGeneticist**: YES.

****: ...What houses are you guys...?

- Kanra has left the chat room-

- carcinoGeneticist has left the chatroom -

****: ...Prussia, what was that for?

**awesomeWurst**: it's because

**awesomeWurst**: this isn't just Harry Potter, Iggs

**awesomeWurst**: we're butchering it.

- awesomeWurst has left the chatroom -

****: WHAT?

****: I have to stop you!

****: ...And you're gone.

- has left the chatroom-


	4. Act 4

ACT FOUR

- carcinoGenetecist entered the chatroom -

**Kanra**: Oh, look, it's carcino being a douchebag.

**Kanra **: That's something that doesn't change from day to day.

**carcinoGeneticist**: AND YOU KNOW IT.

**carcinoGeneticist**: THE DOUCHIEST F*CKING DOUCHEBAG TO EVER BE.

**Kanra**: I find it hilarious that my English is better than yours, and you're presumably a native speaker.

**carcinoGeneticist**: BELIEVE ME, IT'S NOT HALF AS BAD AS GAMZEE'S.

**Kanra**: At least the doitsbag has the excuse of being German.

**carcinoGeneticist**: GUY COULDN'T TYPE HIS WAY OUT OF A G*DD*MN PAPER BAG.

**awesomeWurst**: germans are awesome.

**awesomeWurst**: though not as awesome as prussians.

**Kanra**: True, but you don't speak English as your mother tongue. ... Please tell me Gamzee does not know about this board.

**Kanra**: Just a thought.

**carcinoGeneticist**: OH HE DOES.

**awesomeWurst**: true that.

**Kanra**: ...We are screwed.

**carcinoGeneticist**: FAR AS I KNOW HE CAN'T ACTUALLY LOG IN.

**Kanra**: As far as I knew, the Brit didn't know about this board and couldn't log in.

**carcinoGeneticist**: LET'S HOPE-  
- terminallyCapricious has entered the chatroom -

**terminallyCapricious**: hElLo MoThErF*CkErS :o)

**Kanra**: ...

**carcinoGeneticist**: HOW DID YOU EVEN FIND THIS.

**Kanra**: ...Please tell me someone has mod privs.

**terminallyCapricious**: yOu LeFt ThE lInK oPeN

**carcinoGeneticist**: I HAVE MOD PRIVS THIS TIME.

- carcinoGeneticist kicked terminallyCapricious out of the chatroom –

**carcinoGeneticist**: GOD MY SCREWED UP HALF-FRIENDS ARE SO WEIRD.

**Kanra**: We could say the same of you.

**carcinoGeneticist**: DIFFERENCE BEING THAT'S WHOLLY TRUE AND A TOTAL COMPLIMENT WHEN ABOUT ME.

**Kanra**: ... Well. I took your... lovely suggestions...

**Kanra**: And wrote chapters 4-10.

**Kanra**: Doitsbag still isn't done with the A/Ns/

**carcinoGeneticist**: THEY HAVE TO BE D*MN-NEAR PERFECT.

**awesomeWurst**: working on em..

**awesomeWurst**: writing like a total tool is harder than I imagined

**Kanra**: Tell me about it, I have to write like a tool's dream fantasy.

**awesomeWurst**: it's like...

**awesomeWurst**: i suddenly turned into a piano-playing aristocrat and i'm writing fanfiction while being one

**Kanra**: I have to pretend to be in love with Draco Malfoy. Ew.

**Kanra**: ...If we're going with male Harry Potter characters, Ron is cuter.

**awesomeWurst**: ...meh

**awesomeWurst**: i guess he's alright

**Kanra**: What, you LIKE Malfoy? XD

**awesomeWurst**: neh he's too pointy

**awesomeWurst**: i like the bellatrix chick and the death eater guy with the long hair

**Kanra**: Eh, Malfoy's DAD?

**Kanra**: ROFLMAO.

**awesomeWurst**: look at that hair, man.

**awesomeWurst**: lud could only DREAM of having hair like that

**Kanra**: Ah, we're getting off-topic again.

**awesomeWurst**: true.

**Kanra**: So. I had another thought.

**Kanra**: What if someone 'hacked' it and made everyone think the nightmare is over halfway through?

**awesomeWurst**: i so volunteer

**Kanra**: I need to do it. It needs to look like a trollfighter.

**awesomeWurst**: fiiine.

**awesomeWurst**: but I can help, right?

**Kanra**: We can ALL help, even Karkat. I think we all want to kill her.

**carcinoGeneticist**: AGREED.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I HAVEN'T EVEN READ ABOUT HER AND I'M READY TO STUFF HER FACE IN A BLACK HOLE.

**carcinoGeneticist**: AND THEN STUFF THE BLACK HOLE INTO MOUNT DOOM.

**Kanra**: So, let's get to work. *cracks whip*

**Kanra**: Meet here in two days with the completed fic and a SH*TLOAD of alcohol, agreed?

**carcinoGeneticist**: AGREED.

- two hours later—

**Kanra**: change of plans guys

**Kanra**: ... i went to the doctor today and he said i have a concussion.

**Kanra**: bed rest with my eyes closed.

**Kanra**: i ignored him and now it feels ilek my heads going to explod.

**Kanra**: that's not good is it/

**awesomeWurst**: no not really...

**awesomeWurst**: what happened?

**carcinoGeneticist**: SOUNDS LIKE SOME PRETTY SERIOUS SH*T.

**Kanra**: i got hit in the head with a vending machine.

**Kanra**: yeah i know spare me the sarcasm. im logging out you two continue without me.

**awesomeWurst**: argh.

**awesomeWurst**: you're leaving me with CG really?

**Kanra**: yeah. sory mate.

**Kanra**: dont kill each other.

**awesomeWurst**: fiiiiine...

-Kanra has signed out of the chatroom-

-XXXbloodyrists666XXX has signed into the chatroom*

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: KONICHIWA GUYZZZZZZ~

**carcinoGeneticist**: ...

**carcinoGeneticist**: ...OH GOD.

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: MY NAMES TARA. KANRA TOLD ME U WER GOIN TO HELP ME RITE A STROY?

**carcinoGeneticist**: ...THAT'S THE PLAN.

**awesomeWurst**: kesese~ this is gonna be good

**awesomeWurst**: what's your name br?

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: WATS KESESE MEEN? MY NAMES TARA. I ALREADY SAD.

**carcinoGeneticist**: WHY DO I GET THE FEELING THIS IS GOING TO END SO BADLY IT WILL REVERBERATE THROUGH THE AGES.

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: huh? sry, caps lock

**awesomeWurst**: the point being, see...

**awesomeWurst**: we're going to help you write a fic.

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: so yu wanna kno wat i like tehn?

**carcinoGeneticist**: DO WE?

**carcinoGeneticist**: I GET THE FEELING, EVEN IF I SAY NO, YOU WILL TELL US ANYWAY.

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: i lik my chemical romance and GERARD WAY he's so f*ckin hawt and TOM FELTON cauz he's so f*ckin hawt and Hary Poter and im bi but iv never done it with a girl cause tahts gross.

**carcinoGeneticist**: CALLED IT.

**carcinoGeneticist**: WELL WE NEED YOUR HELP MAKING THE MOST PERFECT, ANGSTY EMO BITC- I MEAN GIRL FOR THIS STORY.

**awesomeWurst**: though what you just said gives me ideas. kesese~

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: u think im perfect? ^_^

**carcinoGeneticist**: COULDN'T BE FARTHER FROM THE F*CKING TRUTH.

**awesomeWurst**: so Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is her name

**awesomeWurst**: don't mind Karkat, he's just a pr*ck

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: UR MEEN carcinogenreteisist! n awesomewisrt taht is a KOOL NAM.

**carcinoGeneticist**: THANK YOU.

**awesomeWurst**: ...it's wurst

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: watevr.

**awesomeWurst**: anyhow

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: so is tihs story about me or wat

**awesomeWurst**: ...

**awesomeWurst**: yessss.

**awesomeWurst**: yes, this story is all about you.

**carcinoGeneticist**: WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING.

**awesomeWurst**: shut up, this is a good idea

**awesomeWurst**: what do you like to do in your spare time br?

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: ill copy it fum my ff net.

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx **: 1 sex

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: likez: gothz, being goffik, satan, punkz, da coler black, bloood, ma bf Justin, rok muzik, suicide, vampires, joel madden, edard kullen!

**awesomeWurst**: oh god please not a sparkleb*tch.

**awesomeWurst**: i mean

**awesomeWurst**: okay.

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: Im a Stanistr and if u dont lik me cos of dat den FUK OFF!

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: wats a sparkleb*tch? u makin fun of me?

**carcinoGeneticist**: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I'D LIKE TO

**carcinoGeneticist**: BUT I'M DEDICATED TO THIS STORY AND CAN OVERCOME A FEW IDIOTS FOR ITS SAKE

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: UR MEEN STOP FLAMMIN ME

**awesomeWurst**: kesesesese

**awesomeWurst**: so. tara.

**awesomeWurst**: enoby is going to meet this guy, right

**awesomeWurst**: she's gonna meet harry potter.

**awesomeWurst**: now if you could make HP into a dreamboat what would you do to the guy?

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: i DONT LIK HARY POTER HES BORING.

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: I LIKE... DRACO MALFOY!

**awesomeWurst**: then make the Pothead cool.

**awesomeWurst**: if you could change everything about the guy.

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: id make him a VAMPIRE.

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: id chang his name 2 VAMPIRE

**awesomeWurst**: anything else? like the scar?

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: lighting bolds are ew. id make it a pencagram.

**awesomeWurst**: anything else? or that it?

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: hary potters PORNING. DRACO MALFOY ALL TEH AWY!

**awesomeWurst**: okay.

**awesomeWurst**: you can boot her now, i think

**xxxbloodyrists666xxx**: wat?

- carcinoGeneticist removed xxxBloodyRists666xxx from the chatroom -

**carcinoGeneticist**: THANK GOD.

**carcinoGeneticist**: SHE WAS GIVING ME A HEADACHE.

**awesomeWurst**: i think she's a bigger troll than either of us.

**awesomeWurst**: totally unintentionally.

**carcinoGeneticist**: SADLY VERY TRUE.

**awesomeWurst**: and we're going to have some trouble. izaya is the only one of us who can write coherently. not taht that matters for a trollfic, but they're worse when they're spelled right.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I MAY HAVE SOMEONE YOU'D LIKE TO MEET THEN.

**awesomeWurst**: it's fine. we can play 'tara's' slow decent into MADNESS.

**carcinoGeneticist**: IF YOU SAY SO.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I WILL UNQUESTIONINGLY FOLLOW YOUR ORDERS.

**awesomeWurst**: we just have to write like that tara madchen.

**awesomeWurst **: lik tihs d00d. see?

**carcinoGeneticist**: SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

**carcinoGeneticist**: i nede 2 tyep like a ttl tool amirite.

**awesomeWurst**: perfect. i meen prfeck man!11! /sarc

**carcinoGeneticist**: THAT HURTS TO READ.

**awesomeWurst**: ur face hurts to reed.

**carcinoGeneticist**: nooo way its urs!

**awesomeWurst**: mutter of gott. what have we done.

**carcinoGeneticist**: TURNED INTO IMMATURE FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD GIRLS WHO ARE WRITING A STURY SPUN OF THE PURE SHINING WEBS OF F*CKERY.

**awesomeWurst**: ...yeah, i'd hate to see you as a 14-year-old girl with pms writing a suefic.

**carcinoGeneticist**: SAME TO YOU.

**awesomeWurst**: ach, if *i* was a 14-year-old suthor, id at least be an awesomely sexy one.

**carcinoGeneticist**: NOT EVEN. MAYBE MORE LIKE A WANNABE SUETHOR.

**awesomeWurst**: oh rly? here's one of my fics. judge for yourself. *sends him a link to a picture... which just happens to be UTTERLY filthy*

**carcinoGeneticist**: I FAIL TO SEE HOW YOU CAN WRITE A PICTURE.

**carcinoGeneticist**: IT MUST TAKE SKILL.

**awesomeWurst**: trololololol.

**awesomeWurst**: ... anyway. gott, i hope Kanra gets back soon. its boring without her ideas.

**carcinoGeneticist**: DARE I SAY IT, IT'S JUST TOO QUIET.

**awesomeWurst**: i might have to track her down irl JUST to drag her to the keyboard.

**carcinoGeneticist**: DOESN'T SHE LIVE IN JAPAN?

**carcinoGeneticist**: I WOULDN'T KNOW. NOT REALLY ON EARTH.

**awesomeWurst**: yeah, ill ask kiku to hunt her donw.

**awesomeWurst**: i gotta go to work, world meeting. il work on it there.

**awesomeWurst**: ...gott, i'm starting to type like her.

**carcinoGeneticist**: MY DEEPEST F*CKING CONDOLENCES, WOULD YOU LIKE A KLEENEX?

**awesomeWurst**: come to my funeral when my brain EXPLODES from stupidity.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I'LL BRING BLOWERS OR BEER OR SOME SH*T, FEEL BETTER?

**awesomeWurst**: thanks, Karkat. *grin* ttyl, kay?

**carcinoGeneticist**: SURE. WHATEVER.

-awesomeWurst has left the chatroom-


	5. Act 5

ACT FIVE

_In which all is resolved and Karkat is inebriated._

- Three Months Later-

**carcinoGeneticist**: ...

**carcinoGeneticist**: WHERE THE F*CK ARE THEY.

**Kanra**: HEY! I HAVE RETURNED!

**carcinoGeneticist**: THERE YOU ARE.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I WAS STARTING TO THINK YOUR HOMICIDAL NERD GIRLFRIEND HAD KILLED YOU.

**Kanra**: Wurst and I have been emailing. The story's just about done.

**Kanra**: And HEH. I'll tell Shizu-chan you called him that.

**carcinoGeneticist**: AND YOU LEFT ME OUT.

**carcinoGeneticist**: HOW CONSIDERATE, I SHOULD WRITE YOU A F*CKING THANK-YOU NOTW.

**carcinoGeneticist **: *NOTE

**Kanra**: Sorry, Cancer-kun. It was that or hack into my building's internet router. They banned this site. 'Too many trolls'.

**Kanra**: And I didn't have your email.

**carcinoGeneticist**: FINE. EXCUSES. I'LL TAKE THEM.

**Kanra**: I'm at the library right now. If I poof, it's because the Homicidal Nerd Girlfriend- XD- has killed me.

**carcinoGeneticist**: TELL HER I SAY HI.

**Kanra**: He isn't here. x3 Or a she. XDDDDDD

**carcinoGeneticist**: AND TELL HER SHE'S THE ONE GETTING THE THANK-YOU NOTE.

**carcinoGeneticist**: FOR WHAT, I DON'T KNOW YET. LET ME GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT ONE.

**Kanra**: For concussing me and putting me in the hospital? *snort*

**carcinoGeneticist**: NAH, PROGRESS SLOWED AFTER THAT.

**Kanra**: Tell me about it. If I had been here it would have been done in two weeks. As is, Tara's JUST putting up the first installment.

**carcinoGeneticist**: TRAGEDY.

**carcinoGeneticist**: ...THOUGHT. AND I KNOW IT'S LATE FOR THIS BUT WHATEVER.

**carcinoGeneticist**: OUR MAIN CHARACTER CRIES, RIGHT?

**Kanra**: She cries blood. I made SURE to put that in.

**carcinoGeneticist**: ...OH.

**carcinoGeneticist**: OKAY.

**Kanra**: Do I detect some reticence, Karkat-san?

**carcinoGeneticist**: HELL NO.

**carcinoGeneticist**: THERE'S JUST NOT MUCH ELSE TO SAY.

**carcinoGeneticist**: OH LOOK, HER TEARS ARE F*CKING RED, BAHAHA.

**Kanra**: ... All right, whatever. Where's Wurst, he's never on when I am.

**carcinoGeneticist**: LAST TIME HE SAID HE HAD A MEETING.

**carcinoGeneticist**: WHETHER IT WAS A THREE-MONTH MEETING OR WHATEVER, I DON'T KNOW.

**awesomeWurst**: baaaaaack finally.

**awesomeWurst**: forgot my password.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I'LL REMEMBER IT FOR YOU.

**awesomeWurst**: as if. youd hack my facebook and put up pictures of dead babies or something.

**carcinoGeneticist**: OH, NO, I WOULDN'T.

**carcinoGeneticist**: TEREZI MIGHT.

**awesomeWurst**: ... well, not stupid enough to give my PASSWORD to a self-proclaimed TROLL.

**Kanra**: Friends.

**Kanra **: This is a day of celebration.

**carcinoGeneticist**: SO I HEARD.

**Kanra**: The first chapter is UP.

**Kanra: **This was a triumph~ I'm making a note here, huge success~

**carcinoGeneticist**: THE FIRST BIT OF OUR TALE OF STUPIDITY, F*CKERY, AND A DEPRESSED GOTH QUEEN?

**carcinoGeneticist**: I WOULD GLADY GOUGE OUT MY EYES WITH A HOT POKER BEFORE READING THAT.

**awesomeWurst**: literally a QUEEN did you read any of the sex scenes? i worked hard on those.

**Kanra**: ...Um... no. Het isn't my thing anyway.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I'M PROUD TO BE THE BRAINS BEHIND THAT.

**awesomeWurst**: hey, ich wrote half of them too.

**Kanra**: ...

**carcinoGeneticist**: OKAY, YOU HELPED SOME TOO, KANRA.

**carcinoGeneticist**: GOG. YOU ARE BOTH SUCH ATTENTION WH*RES.

**awesomeWurst**: ja, that's me, an attention wh*re.

**Kanra**: I didn't write ANY of those sex scenes.

**Kanra**: I'll own up to the mastication, though.

**carcinoGeneticist**: LOOPIN COULDN'T HELP IT.

**carcinoGeneticist**: HE WAS HUNGRY.

**carcinoGeneticist**: AND WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STARE AT A GIRL BATHING WITHOUT BRINGING SOME G*DD*MN ORANGE CREAMSICLES TO EAT.

**Kanra**: :trollface: I doubt poor Tara even knows the difference.

**carcinoGeneticist**: PROBABLY NOT.

**Kanra**: She seems awfully proud of it. The story.

**awesomeWurst**: at least it's not legolas by laura.

**carcinoGeneticist**: ...I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT THAT.

**awesomeWurst**: how can people leave baby in the woodsand to die?

**Kanra**: ...What's 'woodsand'

**awesomeWurst**: go read legolas by laura.

**awesomeWurst**: it's a masterpiece of f*ckery.

**carcinoGeneticist**: YOUR EYES WILL BLEED.

**carcinoGeneticist**: MINE DID.

**awesomeWurst**: either gamzee wrote it, or it really WAS a toked-up brain-dead ten year old. either option is scary.

**Kanra**: ... It scared KARKAT. I'm frightened now.

**carcinoGeneticist**: IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF, EVEN SLIGHTLY, YOU WILL STAY AWAY FROM IT.

**Kanra**: Eh, I have loads of self-loathing. Happens to the best of us.

**awesomeWurst**: loser.

**carcinoGeneticist**: YOUR LOSS.

**Kanra**: Erm... how MANY brain cells did you lose, exactly?

**carcinoGeneticist**: I THINK GAMZEE TOOK THE WORST HIT.

**Kanra**: If that fic was what started Gamzee on the long, long road to insanity, I'm staying AWAY from it.

**awesomeWurst**: no, that was 'my inner life'.

- terminallyCapricious entered the chatroom -

**terminallyCapricious**: hOnK hOnK, mOtHeRf*k*rS :o)

**carcinoGeneticist**: I THOUGHT I BLOCKED YOU.

**terminallyCapricious**: aS iF yOu CoUlD.

**terminallyCapricious**: nIcE tRy ThOuGh. :o)

**terminallyCapricious**: NoW i HeAr I'm BeInG mEnTiOnEd?

**awesomeWurst**: a wild gamzee appeared! carcino used BLOCK! its not very effective...

**Kanra**: Your names even SOUND like pokemons.

**terminallyCapricious**: hE's ReAlLy A bAd PrOgRaMmEr

**carcinoGeneticist**: I TOLD YOU I DON'T PROGRAM.

**Kanra**: *sigh* Go AWAY, troll. You're so desperate you're trolling other trolls?

**awesomeWurst**: now HE'S an attention wh*re.

**terminallyCapricious**: i'M jUsT tAlKiNg To kArKaT.

**Kanra**: You're hijacking our Victory Party.

**awesomeWurst**: the festival of b*tch and moan?

- carcinoGeneticist removed and blocked terminallyCapricious -

**Kanra**: Thank goodness, I thought he'd never leave.

**awesomeWurst**: *knock on wood*

**carcinoGeneticist**: DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK.

**awesomeWurst**: he'll be back. gott has a weird sense of humor like that.

**Kanra**: I have sake here... We should make up a drinking game.

**Kanra **: For That Fic.

**carcinoGeneticist**: WE CAN DO THAT.

-Two Hours Later-

**Kanra**: i ThInK iM dYiNg of aLcoHol poIsoniNg.

**carcinoGeneticist**: WHAT X ISF TYPOING.

**carcinoGeneticist**: WHAT IS LIFEA.

**carcinoGeneticist**: ASDND WHHY DOESA EVERYONESCCUK.

**awesomeWurst**: kesesesesesese! someone's an angsty drunk.

**carcinoGeneticist**: SHUT EP;T

**carcinoGeneticist**: IKL;M ONOLY SIX CYCSLES OLD.

**awesomeWurst**: make me. ;)

**Kanra**: did u realLy just uSe the Im ONlte escsuse?

**carcinoGeneticist**: THIRTEEN OF YOUR ARERTH EYARS.

**awesomeWurst**: THIS. EXPLAINS. EVERYTHING. ewe

**carcinoGeneticist **HOLW ARE YOU STIKLL ALVIVE AW.

**awesomeWurst**: i'm PRUSSIAN.

**carcinoGeneticist**: AND.

**awesomeWurst**: that means I'm GERMAN.

**awesomeWurst**: still haven't managed to get drunk. four beers already.

**Kanra**: hoLy siHt.

**carcinoGeneticist**: I THIKNK IK HATE OUUY.

**awesomeWorst**: what f*cker gives a thirteen-year-odl kid beer, anyway?

**carcinoGeneticist**: I AMF NOT A KIKD.

**Kanra**: wath fcuekre gave KARKAT berte?

**carcinoGeneticist**: I AMEF A TROLL,.

**carcinoGeneticist**: ADN I DOLN;T REALLY K,NOLE. I T WASFJ UST SITTING TEERE. I BLAME JOLHN

**Kanra**: ...

**Kanra**: guywas...

**Kanra**: I has antotehr idea.

**carcinoGeneticist**: OKAY.

**carcinoGeneticist**: TELAL.

**Kanra**: everte haerhrd oif a booke claled Twirtlight?

**awesomeWurst**: Verdammt... here we go again...


End file.
